DATING AND HEARTBREAK

 INTRODUCTION

Has it ever occurred to you that most people that once dated don’t usually end up as friends?

In fact most of them ended up as worst enemies. At this, I couldn’t help, but ask why until I increased the numbers.

Experience they say is the best teacher and even though I didn't need it to learn my lessons, it takes two to tangle.

On a fairy note Christie and I started what looked like my first ever relationship–dating. She expressed her desire for us to date, and that started it. I needed to play along, because I knew there is always a lesson or two in every relationship and I was willing to grab. We had it good for some time, she loved my company and she was a true lover.

She forced my first kiss on me, she took advantage of the injury in my mouth to get her wish, that was painful, but it showed she really wanted be that bad. However, Christie started asking me about our future and I always told her to enjoy the moment while it last.

She wasn’t pleased with that; she wanted more assurance, but I was only being sincere since I couldn’t tell what the future held.

In less than three months we were apart like river Niger and Benue without any hope of meeting at a confluence.

She drew away from me, she acted like we are couples divorced based on irreconcilable differences, but I chose not to bother myself about her exit, I only decided to know why she left and began to see me as the worst guy she ever met.

She blocked all my access to her, including Facebook and WhatsApp; she refused to answer my calls for awhile and graduated to rejecting them.

All I wanted to know was why she left so I could learn from them and move on, so when I had the opportunity to meet her, she treated me like a trash, but I needed to stay humble to learn a lesson worthwhile, maybe not for myself but for the lovers.

Christie left me for one reason: too much expectation from the relationship which I was always realistic of not meeting.

Like most ladies, Christie believed our relationship must lead to marriage and knowing I was focused on building my career and not ready to think about marriage, she left thinking we had no future together.

She sees me as an enemy; she doesn’t talk to me and stays mute if I made such attempt.

She’s definitely bitter, thinking I used her and dumped her despite she came and left on her own.  She threatened to deal with me; she’s regretting to have fallen so cheap for me, a statement she never forget to mention.

Why couldn’t she enjoy the fact that we loved each other?

Why does she see me as enemy and threatened me even as she decided to leave on her own?

Does it mean she never loved me?

 UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

With unrealistic expectation in dating, heartbreak has become a loving couple who can't live without each other, once you are dating with too much expectations, heartbreak is inevitable. The vulnerable in any relationship envisions heartbreak.

The law of attraction brings what you sub-consciously expect, but heartbreak has a different cause.

Cheating and eventual breakup causes heartbreak for the vulnerable in any relationship; they feel jilted; used and dumped.

The vulnerable in any relationship is always the giver, who attaches too much expectation to giving. In dating, they are the ones that fall in love and strangle the reality in desperation to be with someone they think they love; however, the law of eventuality always helps reality stand firm and more glaring.

After been severally strangled, he comes back to life and breaks the heart of his strangler, whose expectations are never met.

Unrealistic expectations is one major cause of heartbreak in dating, courting or whatsoever name people choose to give intimate relationships before marriage and even marriage.

In Christie’s case, she expected marriage and even though she loved me, she couldn’t enjoy the moment, because she considered it waste of time without any future, she belongs to the school of thought that all intimate relationships must lead to marriage.

Talking with a lady in her mid 40s, who is yet to marry and hoped to, she told me

“If a guy comes to me, I ask what he wants and if it is not marriage I let him go. I can’t date at my age, I want a serious thing.”

I looked at the lady and realized she was her own problem yet she keeps disturbing God to give her husband.

She’s overly focused on marriage that she cannot enjoy her love life, which might eventually lead to marriage.

One problem with people with unrealistic expectations is that they fail to realize the people they want might also have such expectations and they might not fit in.

Another example is a close clan in his early 40s, who still keep searching for life partner, he wants a God fearing and perfect lady, but failed to realize such lady will also want a God fearing and perfect man.

After they discover he’s not God fearing, they leave.

Unfortunately for him, all of these ladies never strangled reality to go a long with him, thus he remain single and continued to tell people he has not found the right woman without realizing the right woman might have come, but he was never the right man.

I know another woman, also in her mid-40s, who said the only guys that appeal to her are intelligent guys, if you are not, then you are out and since she only measure intelligence by academic qualification and eloquence in English language, she couldn’t help but continue to be disappointed.

These types of people create static mind frames and anyone who does not fit into those frames is unqualified. If they seem to fit in and are accepted, once they can’t sustain it, the relationships will fizzle out and they remain disappointed and heartbroken.

DESPERATION

Desperation is another thing that leads to heartbreak in dating, those who subscribe to the belief that marriage is a remarkable achievement and a measure of how responsible they are, are always under pressure to get married at certain ages.

The society put a lot of pressure on them to get married and with them wanting to live by people’s measurement of responsibility, they become too desperate to settle down with anyone that's ready for marriage.

This is why a lady will say to a guy that she only wants marriage and always be bothered about the future of their relationship, but unknown to them, men reads their desperation and take advantage of them to get what they want.

They enjoy themselves, while the lady feels jilted and used.

It is not too beneficial to tell a guy before you agree to date him that all you want is marriage, that makes you look desperate and sends a message to the guy that you will give whatsoever you have to marry him, not only your body, but also your money and loyalty, but you might be lucky to find a man with the same mindset of settling down soon.

It never occurred to these marriage focused ladies that, the fact that a relationship is intimate (involves sex) does not mean it must lead to marriage.

They accuse the guys of what they both enjoyed and feel used for willingly giving their bodies.

It’s bad the vulnerable ones are taken advantage of, but no thanks to them for thinking they can make their partners marry them by being extra-nice and giving their bodies.

It is good to be nice, but be nice because you have to, not because you want something in return, especially in relationship. It is a battle in the mind, win it!

UNFAIR TREATMENTS AND DISRESPECT

I once said in an in an online lecture titled “THE ART OF APPRECIATION IN RELATIONSHIP” that: “one of the reasons why we have a lot of breakup of relationships nowadays is because people overlook the place of respect when they are in love. They probably never realize love can never replace respect in any relationship.” This can also cause people heartbreak and have them remain foes before and after breaking up.

There are different acts of disrespect in relationship, which could lead to enmity after breaking up, this includes: bullying; verbal, physical and emotional, abuse; sexually, economically and also emotionally, even lack of appreciation is a form of disrespect.

The marks are always there and they are hard to forgive.

It is hard for a woman to forgive a man, who always made attempt to take her life despite not providing for her upkeep and neither will a man want to remain friends with a lady, who does not respect his person; who always verbally bully him and his family, even among his peers.

However, all these should not cause enmity after breakup, they should rather be seen as part of lessons to shape them in life and not take it against their EX, for doing what they did, they should let go, they might never become real friends, but they shouldn’t be foes.

They should free them in their hearts and be free to help them if need be. Even if your partner sleeps with your best friend, it is a form of disrespect and disloyalty, but don’t fight them, rather, move on and free them from your heart. This takes a large doze of maturity, but it pays.

IGNORANCE

Every other thing that has been mentioned is as a result of ignorance. Some folks are even ignorant of what “dating” entails and if their expectations are not met, they become bitter. Ignorance is a major reason why people date, break up and remain enemies.

Most people that go into dating do not have an idea what they want, how to get them and whether the person they are involved in can offer them what they want.

They just want to belong and feel loved by someone, but unknown to them, dating goes beyond love. With that in place, disappointment is inevitable.

Another act of ignorance is, not knowing how to differentiate wants from needs.  Most of the people go into dating, not knowing what they exactly need from it, and if they later find out what they need and their partner didn’t offer them that, they become disappointed.

It also takes you to know what your partner needs, under which condition they made their decisions to be with you. Maybe they did, just want to belong and when they felt you don’t have what they need or you are not who they really need, they will leave and you feel jilted.

That’s gross ignorance.

For instance, if you date a girl when she was still in the village and she is loyal, you should know that she is likely to change when she gets to the city, she most probably might have taken her decision to be with you as a result of limited options of which you are the best.

Of course, the city will provides her with many options of which you might not meet up, thus it is better you hope for the best and expect the worst, so when the worst comes, it won’t deter you from getting the best without having to consider her a betrayer, if your vow is not secured.

You need to understand that dating is about “Pride of Ownership” and this is what brings the love. If he/she feels you are now a drag and can’t compliment her level, he/she will leave you, don’t feel jilted, rather; understand it and move on to someone that value you the way you are.

Some people decides to date guys that are financially poor, because they believe in them and love them, and when these guys become rich, they dump them for other ladies, it is wrong, but since you can’t influence such decisions, you should protect your heart by enjoying the moment with them as lovers; be happy you help them to become the best and not expect eventual compensation, except you have a vow that secure your future with them.

CHEATING

Another cause of heartbreak whether one expects marriage or not in any intimate relationship is cheating. This is even more reason why lovers break up.

However, the attachment that makes you feel cheated when your partner give more attention, love and is romantically involved with another person is not caused by love, it is caused by selfishness, an attribute of pride and it contradicts selflessness, an attribute that enhances giving in love.

According to THE IMAGE OF GOD, a book written by Soul'e Rhymez, pride is defined as essence of existence; this is why a woman feels betrayed and demoralized if a man cheats on her. It is relatively easy for women, whose sense of perceived pride has been crippled by cultures and religious beliefs, but it’s not the same with men; they have sub-consciously placed a greater percentage of their pride on their partners and thinks they only belong to them.

Marriage encourages such misplacement of pride, a man sees his wife as his pride and vice versa, thus if anyone hurts or tries to take them away, they defend them with all they have. That’s not bad though, its jealousy and it is a feeling that God possess too.

Defending one’s lover is more profitable if done out of love, than if it is out of pride, however in marriage, it is almost impossible not to defend one’s partner out of pride.

They have placed their prides on their partners, which they try to protect. Love does not aid jealousy, pride does.

Since Pride of Ownership precede love in dating, courting and marriage, sex, is a major denominator in such relationships. It could just mean, “I’d love to dedicate my sex life to you, but you must do the same.” This is why cheating is hard to forgive in any relationship; it is a major bragging right to prove that your partner belongs to you.

However, that people cheat in relationship does not all the time mean they don’t love their partners, it either means they want more than they are being offered or they can’t put their wants under control.

If your partner cheats, you can withdraw the sex and all sexual activities, which means stop dating and be on friends’ zone. Move on and let other aspects of the relationships work if they can. Only that you have to be careful, but breaking up on such ground should not make you enemies. There maybe things you can still achieve together outside dating. Dating should not be the beginning of enmity.

SMART TIPS

One should be smart enough to know that no one knows the future, that’s why marriage is different, because despite the uncertain future, you have made vow to be together. Telling Christie to enjoy the moment while it last does not mean I planned to dump her, I was just being real. I believe we only have today and we should enjoy it, so even if tomorrow brings what we did not expect, we can always look back to those moments and be happy we enjoyed them in love together.

This is not the same with lovers nowadays, they expect their partners to control the future and make it work for them, when they themselves have no power over it.

Expectation of marriage and not getting it is the most reason why once dated don’t always become friends, because the other party is feeling used and betrayed having given too much and not get what they want, which is why they gave all they gave.

It’s so disgusting whenever I hear people say they are used and dumped after breaking up from an intimate relationship. If you are not raped or charmed to be in love with someone and you break up complaining you have been used and dumped, then you need a psychologist, perhaps a brain surgeon.

Something is definitely wrong with your mind and self-esteem and this wrongness could be traced to too much and unrealistic expectation from a relationship, which you didn’t secure your vows.

Until people stop believing all intimate relationship must lead to marriage, heartbreaks and tales of betrayer will never seize to exist. Sexual feeling towards someone is a type of love known as Eros in Greek and it might never translate to Agape or other types of love.

So if all a guy feels for you is Eros which is to enjoy the moment with you and you expect Agape which might lead to marriage you will end up disappointed.

Can two walk together unless they agree?

However, no man wants to date a woman without Eros in mind so how do you get the best without disappointment?

Since Eros is inevitable in intimate relationship and might not translate to other types of love, the best is for all lovers to savour their best moments together when they can whether in marriage or not and not expect any compensation in return later, not even marriage. Such love, they say is a beautiful thing, but its beauty will only last for long if it is not burdened with unrealistic expectations and selfish gains, which leads to desperation and eventually turn best friends to worst enemies.

THE HARD TRUTH

For the religious ladies that are trained not to enjoy the moment with their lovers until they are married, they tend to keep Eros until wedding night and if they gave it out, they expect marriage as compensation.

They will always be disappointed, because Eros will never guarantee marriage and no level of spirituality will make a man not think of having sex with a woman he claims to love; it is the foundation stone of such relationship.

If you believe sex is exclusive to the married, don’t even date, because the only difference between dating and friendship is simply sex and sexual activities. But if you decide to date, no matter how many times you have sex and how you do it, it will be stupid for you to think it must lead to marriage.

Eros is just one type of love that can be extracted from any relationship, if needed to make other aspects of it work; it does not have to always end relationships and turn people to enemies.

MY ADVICE

In order to enjoy your love life, I have the following recommendations for you:

Don’t expect too much from your relationships and if you think you deserve more than you are currently getting from your partner, ask, it is not a crime to do so.

Remember, if you don’t expect too much, you won’t be left heartbroken, regardless of what happens.

Love because you want to, give because you have to, get what you want from your lover at the moment if they have it, but never expect eventual compensation.

If you can live with them when they have nothing, do it because you want to, you will be right to expect compensations, but in order to secure your heart from breaking, it is wise not to expect anything from them, except there is a secured vow(Legal backing) to secure your future with them.

Don’t be in a relationship because you must get married to your partner.

It is good to be in a relationship and have marriage in mind, but always understand; you might not end up marrying your current partner. Just enjoy your love life while it lasts.

Do not see your partner as yours, except you are married, if not you will end up with heartbreak.

Don’t also lay too much emphasis on marriage, it is not the right measure of being responsible, though it is good to get married, it is no crime to stay single.

Never place your pride on sex or your virginity too, it can be very dangerous.

If you lose them, move on and never feel devaluated.

To learn more on this, read: SEX: THE SACRED NONSENSE
 an essay written by Soul’e Rhymez on, soulerhymez.blogspot.com.

Enjoy your love, enjoy the moment and hand the future over to God.

For more inquiries, call Tanimola on: +2348163800077