DOMESTIC VIOLENCE; CAUSES AND WAYS OUT
(An
Online Discourse on SRAF)
INRODUCTION:
SOUL'E RHYMEZ: Hello, how you doing?
Hope y'all are doing great?
Tonight's Discourse is "Domestic Violence; the Causes and The
Ways Out”.
But first, can we define what domestic violence is in our own understanding?
THE DEFINITIONS & POSSIBLE
CAUSES
VICTORIA INCE: Violence and aggressiveness displayed toward
members within the home; the abuse of a spouse, siblings or partner. This can be, sexual or
financial, physical, psychological, economical or/and emotional.
TOBILOBA: Domestic violence is an abusive behavior against the
other person, just to gain power or control over an intimate partner. For
instance, it is when husband hits his wife just all in the name of correction.
Wife withstands it too all in the name of love.
Domestic violence especially a man hitting the wife exposes the
female to all sort of danger Domestic violence could be sexual, physical,
psychological, emotional or economical All of these factors are critical,
because it incur lot of damages on a personnel.
-JOHN: Domestic violence based on my understanding is abuse of the
wife (where a husband uses his wife as a punching bag) and vice versa.
Also where a master treats his or her maids or servants badly or when
the wife refuses or starves the husband of sex when he is at the point of losing
it, just because he was unable to give her enough money to prepare meal. Or
maybe he tried to rebuke the wife publicly for having to quarrel with the
neighbor, in turn to torture him she starves him of what he paid for. Domestic
violence is when the man in such situation applies force to get what he wants.
SOUL'E RHYMEZ: Wow! These are great
definitions.
Most definitely have geniuses here. All the definitions are correct, however,
according to Victoria and Tobiloba, domestic violence is not limited to couples
alone. It is not also until one beat someone up. It can be sexual or verbal.
Now, let us dissect it
psychologically and experience-wise.
What do you think is the cause of domestic violence? Between the
male and the female, who do you think really perpetuates the act and why?
-JOHN: Today lots of people see domestic violence as being caused
by the man alone, but I would say that domestic violence based on the type of
violence could be caused by both sexes.
The husband can initiate it by having to stopping the wife from
working out of envy, because he feels she is going to take over his position as
breadwinner.
This is psychological, or maybe the wife is from a wealthy family
and the parents of the lady are the main stay of the man's house, the lady now
uses it as a point of insulting and abusing the man, turning him into something
lesser than a house boy.
Most marriages are just a fairy tale. Marriage should be a man and
wife coming together as one. You can't hit; abuse or make each other feel bad
physically or psychologically. See your man as a part of yourself, and the man
should also see the wife as a part of himself too.
STEVE-D: Domestic violence manifest as a result of
misunderstanding.
Physical violence exists when the man want to show he is superior
to the lady in all aspect without consulting her opinions.
TOBILOBA: Causes of domestic violence are: stress, depression,
provocation by the other partner. Jealousy, anger, desperation and lot more.
Another notable one is transfer of aggression; if you grow up as a victim of
domestic violence.
If your boyfriend is manhandling you now, you better quit the
relationship.
Don't sit down there and say all will be well, my sisters, may you
never enter well.
Once a man raises his hand on a woman once, it continues till God
intervenes, it is like a spirit. Seek for help, don't die
in silence!
VICTORIA INCE: Most domestic violence, in a social context exists
in patriarchal society.
In some society the effect of that marriage insists a woman
surrenders her rights to the husband. The perception of domestic violence
varies based on religion, class or even where you live.
What about a region that is Patriarchal?
What rights does a woman have?
How does a woman fight against that when society agrees a man owns
her?
Domestic violence is prevalent everywhere. If persons are educated
it makes the difference.
Persons need to be educated about cause and effects.
TOBILOBA: How do you know if you are in an abusive relationship?
1. If you fear your partner too much.
2. If a lot of time figuring out how to place a topic before in
order not to arouse his negative action.
3. If you feel you can never do anything right for your partner.
4. If you feel like there is nowhere to turn for help.
5. If you sometimes wonder if you are the one over reacting to
your partner's actions.
6. If he/she makes you feeling emotionally numb.
STEVE-D: My story as a
victim of domestic violence.
I have seen affliction, shame, envy, hatred even thought of ending
my life.
Since I was born 28 years ago, I have not seen my mum.
I have been living with my sep-mother and my father who treats me
like an outcast. He does not allow me go and visit my mom; I don't know any of
my family members.
I have tried to pack out and stay alone yet my dad is after me, he
wants to keep me in the house as houseboy.
My dad married my mum when she was in school; to her he’s a widower.
She gave birth to me in January and December same year, she gave
birth to my only sister.
After 2 years his wife came back and he lied that my mum was his
housemaid.
By thas time, my mom was pregnant again. After giving birth to the
baby, my father’s first wife started trouble. My mom being a deeper life member,
left the house with me and my siblings, but my dad went after her claim me and
my sister, leaving her with the last child who was only 6 months old then. Since then till now, I have been staying with
step mom. My sister was killed in the same tussle in 2002.
Now am without a sister. My father usually comes to the place
where I teach most times and tell the principal I left the house without
sweeping or mopping it. That is degrading for a 28 year old man, but I have no
option. They lock me inside whenever they are going out. This feels like hell
and the money I earn from where I teach is barely enough for my feeding. How do
I escape this trauma?
I need your prayers. I will appreciate a job somewhere outside Calabar,
just to be free from his torments.
--JOHN: My ex girlfriend
was in a situation....I know how it feels...
I helped her and her dad threatened to kill me anytime he saw me. Her
dad tried to rape her and fondles her sensitive parts a lot. She reported it to
me and when I involved the police her father bribed them.
MARYAM TEC: Domestic violence is very bad and woman always fall the
victim most times. I have experienced that
through my aunty.
-JOHN: I have an elder sister, who was beaten till she fainted
with pregnancy and at the point of delivery by her husband. She has also been beaten to a pulp a week
after child birth, by the same husband.
MARYAM: I have never experienced domestic violence, but I know it
is bad and unspeakable.
EFFECTS AND WAYS OUT
TOBILOBA: The effects of domestic violence can be very long
lasting that it Incur lot on the abused.
1. Sleeping problem
2. Depression
3. Anxiety
4. Feeling of abandonment
5. Anger
6. Lack of trust in others
6. Inability to work
Also physical abuse may lead to death, if the person doesn't leave
the relationship.
Unless a man values the contribution his wife brings to the home
and stop treating her as a doormat. It will not end.
Unless persons change their beliefs and educate themselves,
Domestic Violence will not end.
Unless we continue on a part of modernism, which rejects God as
the Supreme ruler Violence will continue.
Unless the Government enforces the rights of woman and NGO's
advocate for women, it will not end.
I think there should also be some intervention on the part of the
abuser.
In closing, this group should really try a day of prayer. Many of
us know someone who has been or are being abused. It would be nice to petition
the throne of Grace on their behalf.
-JOHN: the abuser should be taken to a psych ward because anyone who abuses the
other has mental problems.
Only one thing can curb it, proper prayers because only God can
curb it. The Bible says that the family that prays together stays together. The
solution is through divine intervention.
TOBILOBA: Such person (the abused) might be sensitive to rejection
and also diminish in mental and physical health.
Solutions:
1. Imposing penalties for such act
2. Funding the supporting service n also reporting to any service
in charge of domestic violence if you notice one
3. Speak out publicly about domestic violence, don't be nonchalant.
Domestic violence is no joke.
SOUL'E RHYMEZ: Aright, superb contributions again.
What have I to say again?
Much has been said, but I buttress them.
Everyone has made great points. So sorry for Steve's situation, however,
it is to be noted that we will help as much as we can.
Domestic Violence is a very dangerous thing as posited by many of
us and I tell you, it contributes to high rate of mortality around the world.
Many have also been handicapped for life as a result.
I was a victim for years, because the person I lived with, who was
my uncle was also a victim. He couldn't help it but transfer the aggression on
me.
The fact that he was abused domestically does not give him or
anyone excuse abusing others, but how could I and other victim have helped it?
In fact, I got my freedom the day I decided to fight back, but
that was after 4 years of violence. He was always right and I was always wrong.
This includes psychological, physical and also economical violence. I tell you
the truth; I lived in fear of him and almost got crippled in the name of
religion and respect.
It is a taboo to raise hand an elderly person; my tradition
condemns it and the religion too. This is the same thing that killed some
people. I had to tell myself that it must end after all Jesus has never come
down to hold his hand or fight for me. I would have died a stupid death like
many others. But I broke the rule; I fought back in self defense. I defiled
religion and tradition and now I have my freedom.
Now I can tell you that until we overcome and let go some
religious and cultural believes, domestic violence won't stop.
Talking about these beliefs, what are they?
Some people whose lives have been cut short or crippled as a
result of domestic violence endured such assaults because of certain
traditional and religious beliefs. I read about a woman who was recently
murdered by her abusive husband. Her sister stated she was there because of the
children. That's bad.
Most women in this part of the world have their lives crippled for
fear of divorce. They don't want people to call them divorcee. Their religion
goes against it and their religion leaders, who would also have taken drastic
decisions in such situation, will tell them to keep praying and enduring.
That's foolish.
This is why men have the upper hand in this part of the world to
assault women. They know these women have no choice than to endure, either
because of cultural belief or religious belief.
Talking about husbands assaulting wives, which is common in
Africa, the major cause is payment of dowry.
Payment of dowry reduces women to mere properties and this is
implanted in the subconscious of almost every man who pays dowry to marry his
wife. This is why they believe they can cheat on the women, but the women have
no right to cheat. For instance, imagine, Igbos, a major tribe in Eastern
Nigeria is known for huge amount as dowry for their women, who are set to get
married. Tell me, will you pay such huge amount for a lady and still see her as
your mate or superior? Who owns who, the buyer or the person who was bought?
Unknown to Africans, who think payment of dowry will earn the
women respect, it only makes them expensive properties. Women are great
creations with brain, not just property. But can't a man do to his property
what he wants? Some religion does not also recognize women; they believe they
are for men's use. With these in place, domestic violence against women will
never stop.
In western world where in the bid to protect the right of women,
the government has over empowered them. The women are most guilty of domestic
violence.
Knowing that the men will be in trouble if he touched them, most of
them slap their men and beat them up at a slight provocation. They know the
government will protect them and they abuse such right. In places like that,
where women knows when they file divorce, the man loses, they misbehave and
torment their men. This shows that domestic violence is a two-way thing.
How do we curb domestic violence?
In Africa, where women are mostly victims, I recommend we do away
with certain traditional beliefs such as payment of dowry. However, in place of
dowry, women should take the responsibility of using their brains and not see
themselves as mere properties that the society has condemned them to be.
There is a saying in the western part of Nigeria, that regardless
of how educated a woman is, she will still end up in the kitchen. This is a
testimony that women are seen as mere properties and their most important
duties are: to be used for sex (for pleasure and for reproduction) and as cook for
their husbands. This is why most men don't involve their wives in decision
making. It is always a relationship between the Lord and the serf.
The women should stop seeing themselves as baby factories; they
should stop seeing themselves as incomplete without husband. Though to be
married is good, but not when you become a punching bag or a slave, whose
opinion doesn't count. This is domestic violence.
If you find yourself in this, I recommend you file a divorce. I
stand by my words.
In the western world, where women are the victors of domestic violence,
I have this to say to you. It is true you can live independently and it is no
crime to do that, but every man deserves to be respected, regardless of who is
the breadwinner of the family and who is stronger. Men are useful and vital to
your life. It is wrong, very wrong to assault men, just as it is wrong to assault
for them to assault women too. It is not easy to be a man. I think such matters
should be well investigated. If you are a man in this part of the world, who
must have been assaulted by a woman, because she's the breadwinner or more
influential, please be the man.
Women will be forced to respect a man who knows his worth
regardless of what he has or not, but it will do you a great good to get yourself
a job, regardless of how little you earn, enjoy it in peace and retain your
respect.
That's how far we can go for tonight, for any question, suggestion
as regard this, please contact me on: +2348163800077.
Thanks to you all for your cooperation, thanks to Mrs. Ipadeola
Oluwabunmi, who coordinated with me and was also the correspondent.
Till we meet on this platform again, my name remains Soul'e
Rhymez.
Good night.
APPRECIATIONS
VICTORIA INCE: Strong words, but great advice.
V. SHEY: Thank you, Soul’e Rhymez
VIKTOH: My regards to thee, who is called Soul'e Rhymez...
I, who is called Vikxx acknowledges thy words tonight....
May thy pen never lack ink to fill our memory with thy writings.
EDITORS
Victoria Ince (Trinidad & Tobago)
Soul’e Rhymez (Nigeria)
CORRESPONDENT
Mrs. Ogunote Oluwabunmi Ipadeola (Nigeria)
Comments
Post a Comment