LADIES ASKING GUYS OUT, IDEAL OR NOT? (An Online Discussion on SRAF WhatsApp Portal)

Soul'e Rhymez: Good evening Great Minds

My name is Soul'e Rhymez™ and who should be alongside me is Oluwabunmi Ipadeola who for some personal reason will join us later.

Tonight we will be discoursing on LADIES ASKING GUYS OUT, IDEAL OR NOT?

First, I believe we all understand what asking out mean.

Now, let us have our say, what's your take on the above topic?

Let's hear from you.

Vabec 2: From my basic scrutiny vividly and sagaciously calculated, I see no reason why a lady should make known her feelings to a guy, reason being that it's rare for such a guy to value her.

I consider it sagacity, if she makes him notice her than having to approach him. To elaborate, a lady can win the heart of a guy with her character and attitude.

In a nutshell, I'm not in support of ladies asking guys out, but if she can't help the feeling then she has to make him notice and love her.

This reminds me of a poem of mine titled: Somewhere In Your Heart.

© TOVE

Treasures Of Vabec Empire

Edwina: Tove! My question to you is... What if the guy doesn't notice her character and attitude?

Ada Ada: Supported @ Vabec

Edwina: A lady can go ahead to be friends with this guy first, and to set the tone, if she notices that he likes her, but cannot make the move. She can set up a lunch or dinner date, through that he may make the move if he really likes her; otherwise, she has done enough in taking the move.

If she is direct, he may misunderstand her. If she applies wisdom, he may also find the message in that move and adhere to it. This means that she is doing the asking out, but using his weakness to gain the purpose.

But, some guys misunderstand this kind of move o, especially as Africans.

Generous: Love is an intense feeling of affection and care towards another person.  By the virtue of this definition, I 'm of the opinion that both parties have equal onions.

Vabec 2: Love is a passion stronger than lust. Most guys realize it too late.

Jejeniwa Olami: Whether or not, to go for or against this idea of who can approach first depends on those directly involved. We might all be Africans or Nigerians so to say, but we all live in different World.

Edwina: Love is way more than 'feelings'

No two persons are same when it comes to this kind of topic.

Jejeniwa Olami: Even the maturity many claims are a recipe to make this go smoothly has different perspective.

Terry: We know this is 21 century, but don't forget we are in Africa. Our domain has more influence on us than what is happening elsewhere. Woman has a pride and that pride must be paid for by any guy.

Generous: I have been approached by a girl whom till today, we are glued never to be separated. That's because, I commended her courage. It's no lust.

Jejeniwa Olami: This is a very difficult topic, both parties of that in support and against will argue and support their moves, but their ideas still doesn't proffer a solution to the bigger problem being addressed.

Generous: Albeit, most guys have been entrenched with the mentality that whenever a girl approaches them, it means the girl is cheap.

Vabec 2: I once had a friend who loved even the very air I did breathe, she approached me, but I had no feelings for her. I consider it stupidity and not sagacity for a lady to approach the guy. Yea to some extent it be right, but not in this part of the world.

Generous: I stand in sharp contrast to that submission @vabec. It's no stupidity.

Jejeniwa Olami: Everyone will express themselves, but I'm sure no one will give the answer. When it comes to love, only the heart that feels the same can understand what is being said.

Vabec 2: To me she wasn't cheap, but I had no feelings for her.

Ada Ada: Even if you had feelings for her, it would be awkward.

Jejeniwa Olami: When the two hearts involved are not aligned, there cannot be mutual understanding and agreement. Sorry for drawing this bigger, but it's the easiest way I can put it in this short minutes.

I'd hope the coordinators tonight will move my heart.

Jejeniwa Olami: No matter what the age, religion, environment and cultural beliefs might have embedded in our subconscious mind I know and I'm sure when two hearts are meant to agree, nothing will stand in their way. Who proposes first wouldn't even matter because they would have bonded.

Edwina: Exactly my point, it all depends on who is being approached. Let us get one thing clear. It all depends on how we view these things. A lot of us disagree or agree because of how our society has embedded this in our mindset. It all depends on the lady or the guy. It depends on their beliefs, and it also depends on how they view this from 'their' own perspective and not what the society says. Africa is a straitjacket from the past, but a lot is changing.

Generous: There are females who don't consider, put into consideration the rampant mentality of guys being the one that strike the move and subsequently initiate a relationship. What they want is what they go for without considering the factor underlying such. Unfortunately, virtually all Nigeria girls have been enraptured with that mentality that is why they still fall prey to the sickening ideology.

Edwina: Most guys are stuck up. Most girls are too forward, but there is always a better way around this kind of action.

I once said hello to a guy I was seeing for the first time, because we just moved in to a new environment, and I was looking out for people to be friends with. He frowned. I wonder what went through his mind. Till date, we pass each other and I never bother to say 'Hi' again, when I look down from our floor into their compound, we simply look away because it's no use. Most GUYS ARE STUCK UP, whereas they aren’t worth jack. Lol.

Generous: Sometimes, I doubt the veracity of their mentality having given this a whole lot of articulation; I 'm with the vehement resolution that both parties have equal duty as regards to who go first, to initiate a relationship.

Edwina: Ladies, go and read the story of Ruth and Boaz. She didn't do the asking directly, but her character did. Boaz fell for it and honored a desire.

Vabec 2: Supported, just like what I said that a lady can make a guy notice her by her character and attitude.

Generous: By making being noticed is of what impression to the side of the guy @Vabec.

Emeka Jhonieblaze: Of course the both parties have equal rights to ask each other out, it's specialized to nobody in particular, but our African mentality and ladies pride in this part of the world makes it seem like it's the man's duty.

Blessing Ewa: To me what will be will be, no matter who is involved. It is the male’s duty to ask a lady out. if she has feelings let her wait. The guy may be battling with some affair and he doesn't want that at that point in time.

Have had examples of a guy who I felt for, but we were enemies. With time, he understood why we disagreed "himself".

Jcv: Very bad to me, in the sense that the Guy will take the girl for granted. I have seen a relationship it happened, countless of them. It is better for a man to go after a girl than a girl going after a man so that that value on her can still remain. We are African and we reason like Africans, once a girl comes to you like that, you will definitely feel important and high, thinking that without you she can't live.

Generous: It is quite sardonic that this has become of their mentality, but there is always a way.

Edwina: I beg to differ. I am an African with a different mindset. What will be the case when the lady is asked and she turns him down?

Same way the guy can also turn the girl down. It all depends on who's involved.

T Adekunle: My current and 1st girlfriend told me she liked me before we started dating. I just had to make it official by doing it.

 Tobiloba: A girl can always approach a guy... It all depends on the guy's maturity... Some guys don't notice the girl likeness for him so the girl has to make a move... Meanwhile, to correct my colleague, asking a guy doesn't make you a slut or less a woman.

Blessing Ewa: I have my pride and he had his ego, but his ego had to bow to my pride.

Maureen: perfect Ewaibukun👍

Generous: If a girl sees a guy she loves and didn't make any effort towards she gets him, she will definitely end up on a wrong shoulder. Maybe the guy loves him too, but lacks the courage to confront her and make her advances. She might just be hoping for whomsoever that knocks and she will just join the ride on.

Blessing Ewa: A guy must develop the courage, my friend; they must make an effort to get to us. That will make the man value the lady big time.

Vabec 2: If ever I notice a lady likes me and she approaches me, I really won't value her. If she does a little Shakara before accepting me, then I shall curse the earth for her sake.

Generous: At a glance, you are aloof, there are girls you don't dare rebuff.

Edwina: I like a guy; I tell him point blank, it all depends on what he goes to do with what I just exposed to him. I may not even want a dating relationship, but just being friends. But most guys (again I point to the mind) immediately think that when a lady approaches them, that lady wants to get laid, or date them, then in their small mustard seed mind, they'll just write her off and call her names or even tag her a slut. The mindset plays a huge role as to how the guy accepts this... Selah.

Tobiloba: Babe, we are grown... Moreover, you don't have to ask him out directly... Express your feeling to him and withdraw a bit... Don't be desperate... Make him feel like he is lucky you like him.

Blessing Ewa: I don't advise a lady doing the approaching.

Tobiloba: I can advice a gal do the approach.

Blessing Ewa: Even if I want to be a friend to a guy I like, I would watch from afar and always greet him.

Edwina: Anybody that tells you they love you on the first day, tell them I said they are pathological unconscious liars! Tell them Neo said so! Y'all should stop throwing love on this issue. You can't give what you don't have. You simply have an attraction to the looks, accent, gait, physique, etc. All of these things that draw the lady or the guy's attention is 98% of the time geared towards lust/fornication/extortion... Selah.

Brian: Read the bible. There, are various ways to approach the right guy without feeling fake.

Tobiloba: When you express your feeling, make things casual and not tensed, ok?

Blessing Ewa: But to someone I’ve a crush on. I will respect myself.

Generous: Ewaibuikun, all ladies can't be you. Some are emotionally driven. They can't just help it out, but to spill it. We are balling down to the same thing.

Tobiloba: Respecting doesn't mean you play hard to get babe…

Emeka Jhonieblaze: Some girls are so proud that they can nurse a crush for a guy till they die, they won't Let the cat out of the bag, and the guy never notices.

Tobiloba: That's a mistake I will never make.

Emeka Jhonieblaze: If you love someone walk up to him and say it.

Vabec 2: Isn't it rebellion against love, for a lady to do the approaching?

Tobiloba: Tell him you like him, if he fucks up, it is his loss.

He will miss you and then he will coming back being emotional with you. Approach a guy, but don't seem too desperate. Have fun, he might get attracted to you through being full of humour. Let him know having a soft spot for him does not mean you will take shit from him.

Edwina: This kind of feeling that drags a lady to a guy or vice versa is majority of the time based on lust...

Tobiloba: Lust or lust!!! From lust, it leads to love.

Choas Ca: Love is not a thing to be constrained in definite spaces. You can't say a guy can't love a lady first or vice versa, the first time anyone approaches the other.

Tobiloba: One thing we girls don't understand is d way we love is different from the way guys love. Girls’ love is emotional, while guys are more principled.

Blessing Ewa: But most guys use it as an opportunity to exploit the lady in different ways.

Brian: The Hunter vs. Hunted theory. People are different....some are hunters while others need to be hunted....You have to make a lot of research to prove a man who is hunted. They are rare.

Choas Ca: You could be friends first, or colleagues get to know the other party so much, you fall in love before you even say the first word about how you feel to them.

Tobiloba: Wait peeps, guys tend to take their time... They fear commitment... Give him space, he will come back begging.

Blessing Ewa: Ladies fear commitment too.

Tobiloba: Ladies fear commitment, but we still fall... We are weak.

Choas Ca: Love is a strange thing. My point is, love is not something we go just shut out of this convo. Finish.

Tobiloba: Ask him out and leave him... He will be surprised... Don't be all over him!

Emeka Jhonieblaze: Ewaibukun, how do you mean?

Vabec 2: I dare not tell a lady I love her because guys deceive ladies a lot with the word "Love". I rather give up my throne for her than tell her I love her.

Tobiloba: If a girl still believes the word “I love you” then she is a fool.

C Perry: Not all, many come from d heart.

Tobiloba: It's everywhere... Our first attraction is lust... It is everywhere... Love is a substance that grows gradually huh? Love doesn't just pop in, that’s why relationship that Starts with friendship last longer. Be a strong lady... Command what you want!

Edwina: It's is no lie dear. Check the society we live in these days. How many ladies or guys want commitment without having diverted attention?

Generous: My girlfriend made me proud, she is beautiful, hunts by men of diversified echelon, but she came directly to me and said, I have longed to tell you these which I have harbored for months and now is the time. She made her intentions known and I didn't amount that as her being lascivious. We are still together forever.

Vabec 2: Generous, thy girl friend must be lucky to have thee.

Generous: VABEC I acknowledge that.

Choas Ca: Look, my viewpoint on the main matter is this- it's not a do /don't. Matters of the heart rarely are that straightforward. Na personality thing. If as woman you go toast man wey get simian-mentality, Na your gobe be that. Modern men don't give a shit who asks who out. But Na unto you to read the toastee and decide if den worth the risk. And yes, it's a risk in much of Africa for a woman to ask a man out.

Tobiloba: It's no big deal... @21st century, give less fucks.

Edwina: If you convey a survey and ask both sexes about the reason they first get attracted to a guy or a girl, you'd be shocked at what you'll hear.

My Abigail: Well, nice one I acknowledge everyone's contribution but regardless of where you stand the bible says that he that finds a wife finds a good thing the word there is wife not husband, ladies though it depends on the guys maturity doesn't count here a guy who is not courageous enough to confront a lady about his feelings is still growing biko, let him come out of his shell. Approaching him will not help him.

Edwina: Magnus, I stand with you, but the point here is 'dating' and not 'Marriage'. We have to deal with this first before we graduate to the next level. Lol.

Blessing Ewa: Ladies have this feeble mind when it comes to feeling, they sometimes don't think deep when taking a decision. That’s the reason why you see ladies approaching guys and with the societal factor involve it uncalled for. Now civilization has brought everything to ruin.

Tobiloba: Hahahaha... Everything ruined since ages... Civilization made everything easier dear.

Choas Ca: People keep saying society this, society that. Screw society. You can either decide to live on your own terms regardless of society and enjoy your life, or you let society mess you, your dreams and your joy up.

Generous: It's no uncalled for Ewa. Use not your personal preference to generalize this. It a fallacy of generalization. Affection is same. Forget the cultural whatever. Technological invention and other innovations have by no doubt subdued the efficacy of those ancients mentality. Everything these days is Europeanized. So it's nothing if a girl approaches a guy.

Tobiloba: I strongly agree too.

Edwina: See, we have girls and guy who live fake lives, and so have had the time to perfect their fakeness. They will NOT say the truth from their heart. They'd just say "Oh, I just fell in love with her at first sight". This is not total truth...

Tobiloba: If you ask a guy out n he is acting stupid, get him off... This will make him know you still have your integrity. Guys are not as difficult as you think, they are feeble... They are like babies dear. Treat them like one... When they are good, pamper them and when they act nasty, chastise them. Guys don't want all the loving you matter... Be grown!

Have fun babes! If you like him, approach him but don't seem desperate... If he is fine with it, no p, he is lucky n if he doesn't, it is his loss... Dump his ass. Life continues.

Edwina: We are all learning. Trust me, 20 or 30 year after now, most of you might disagree with your opinion of this topic.

COORDINATOR’S COMMENT

Soul'e Rhymez: Wow!

It has been a great discussion and I am sure you all learnt as much as I did.

One thing is very sure here, the fact that this is a gathering of intelligent people. Great minds as we say, I hail all of you. Everyone that has participated made great points. But should we just leave it at that?

This will call to question, the purpose of this wonderful discussion.

The purpose of this discursion is to correct the faulty mentality and replace it with the ideal and more benefiting one. However, for this to happen, we all have to unlearn what we think we already know about this.

Now, going back to the main topic, which is on whether it is ideal for a lady to ask a guy out?

I tell you, there is nothing wrong with it. This is not just an opinion, but I will explain to you.

Let me come in this way, most of us don't really have an idea what we do, we do not also bother to check. We do them as long as the society accept them and condemn them as long as the society do so. One thing we don't do is to check whether the society is right or wrong, but by not doing so, most of us have become slaves to society's ideologies.

Another thing I see from all the submissions is ABUSE OF EGO.

Someone talked about the guy's pride bowing to her ego and I smiled, but that's what it is. Abuse of ego.

Another thing is the situation of misplaced pride and also ignorance.

Why do we think it is wrong for a lady to ask a guy out? Is it actually wrong?

From the submissions above, I have been able to gather that most of us don't think it is wrong, we only can't break away from the societal belief. We can't stand out, so we joined them as we can't win them.

First of all, I have to make it clear that whether we consider dating love or lust, it could result to either of them, but the first thing in such relationship is PRIDE OF OWNERSHIP.

You hear the girls say, I want a tall and handsome guy and the girls say I want a sexy and industrious lady. Is that love? No. It is about ownership and you are bond to love what you own since you chose them out of preference. Having no control over such is the lust and it could also be as a result of lust.

Now, why do some girls crush on guys and still expect the guys to ask them out?

This has been answered by most of us, but I will like to shed more light on it. The reason is either abuse of ego, misplacement of pride, ignorance or even all of them.

A girl will think, why will I ask him out? Regardless of how much I love him, I won't. That is abuse of ego (self importance).

Mismanagement of pride is the reason why a girl will make herself believe she will lose her integrity by asking a guy out.

The two reasons stated above are as a result of ignorance. What you don't know is your master.

Does asking a guy out means you are a slut? Does it reduce your value? Does it make the guy tend to take you for granted? So how do you go about it?

Start from the least and graduate to the first, which means you need not to be an ignorant. You need to know what dating such person entails.

Really, in this part of the world, I can't judge all the guys by myself, who won't ever see a girl as slut or take her for granted for asking me out. I have experienced it so it is not a theory.

But we are not the same. Most of us have been crippled by some unverified religious teachings and African mentality, and I guess Africa there is a metaphor for primitiveness, outdated.

Asking a guy out is not a crime and doesn't reduce the woman that you are, but you have to prove it.

Your carriage in a relationship, not who ask who out, is what earns you respect in your relationship. Remove desperation. Don't be a tool, don't be afraid to lose someone you think you love. In other words, even if you ask the guy out, stand your ground. DON’T BE A MERE TOOL. you are human being with brain. USE YOUR BRAIN!

Look, don't desperately want anything. You might call it love, probably because you know sex won't be involved. But you need to learn more, lust is not limited to sex alone. Lust is insatiable want of something or someone. So if you think you are so much in love that you can't control yourself, sorry to disappoint you, that's not love. Regardless of how pure you think it is, even if you fast and pray over it, so far you can't control how much you want it, IT IS LUST.

On asking guys out, I suggest you go for a guy that understands. Does the guy understand you are not a slut for asking him out? It is difficult here really, but should you die in silence? Someone suggested giving signs; don’t you think that makes you more of a slut? Tell me, how will you make a guy know you love him without a kind of seduction? But I tell you, there is always a way out.

The way out won't be discussed tonight. We 22 minutes past our closing time, but in conclusion, the ladies should break away from norms that does not add value to them, they should stop trying to live up to the society's definition of responsibility and Biggenism.

They should live the way it is best for them. If you can cope with asking a guy out, why wait?

If you so much want him, go for him, but love with your brain, not with your darling emotions.

To the guys, they don't help matters at all. They have misplaced their prides on the vaginas of the Ladies. What makes a man is now how many girls they have slept with and this is why the ladies are very cautious asking them out. They are the problems of their own. Because once a girl asks them out, they have automatically seen a sex toy or ATM. That's wrong and ignorance too. That's a crippled mentality.

In finality, let us understand what we are we wanted before we go for them. Let us keep learning. My name is Soul'e Rhymez and I am glad to have you here.

If there is any question, I will like receive them privately. For now, I say, goodnight Great People.

Thanks for your time and adherence.

Compiled and Edited by Eneji Stephen Toluwalashe Popularly known as Soul’e Rhymez (Nigeria)

Corresponded by Samuel Abigail (Nigeria)