EGO CLASH IN RELATIONSHIPS; WHO’S FAULT? (An Online Discourse on SRAF)

INTRODUCTION

SOUL'E RHYMEZ: Good evening Great People, hope you are doing well?

It is a great privilege to be here with you tonight. We have to move on now. The topic for tonight's discourse is EGO CLASH IN RELATIONSHIPS; WHO'S FAULT?

It is no news that many relationships, have broken up as a result of ego clash; the partners not willing to compromise their self impotence for each others. Who do you think should is more egoistic, the men or the women?

Who do you think is to blame for ego clash in a relationship, which is more egoistic, the male or the female?

The floor is open, the discourse had started. Let's have your view

Maybe I should even coin it this way, who do you think has more pride, the men or the women?

CONTRIBUTIIONS

JOHN TERRY: It’s not about being male or female: it’s about the economy purchasing power of the two.

TOBILOBA: Men, but in some cases, women are too... No one wants to be a doormat to another. No one wants to be a sport fish... Everybody wants their or right recognized and respected.

AANUOLUWA: I think it’s the women.

BECKY: It depends with the person you are in a relationship with.

JOSTA IBRAHIMOVIC: In most cases, the girls want to act more superior in a relationship.

VABEC: Men will always default and yet they expect the women to say sorry in everything.

So men are the most proud persons in a relationship.

MISS GLORIA: Naturally it depends on maturity; in some cases it is both, while most times is the ladies.

OLABUSAYO AJAYI: In a situation where the guy provides all that the lady needs. The guy will be proud and in situation where lady is independent she'll be proud.

TOBILOBA: Ego has affected my relationship some time ago, because I feel so important that I expect my guy to know what I want from him. I wasn’t ready to stoop so low asking him. Alas! Guys aren't God to know what is on your mind. The problem with we girls is we assume too much, and when it comes to misunderstanding, once I’m not at fault, I will never think of bowing to him, it is just too heavy for me. I believe I’m a lady with value and if he doesn't respect that; then there is no point. I forgot saying 'sorry’ when you aren't at fault at times means strength and being submissive'. Therefore, due to experience that I have, this affects relationship a lot.

It gives longevity to quarrel which sometimes leads to break up because no one wants to apologize; we believe we are just too much to do that.

~JOHN: how do you even know when a girl likes you, when she won't talk?

MISS GLORIA: Went a lady likes you she will always have you in her mind and would want to do anything for you.

MORENIKEJI: When we are talking about pride in a relationship, it depends on what you mean. It might in the area of "He is the man" he should prove himself to me” or it could be "how will I tell him am sorry".

But judging accordingly, what sometimes looks like pride or ego to some people is assumption, but because there isn't no good understanding and communication it is been seen as arrogance. A guy once told me, if you need, please ask am not a God so don’t expect me to know when you don't talk.  In the aspect of apologizing, some girls /guys don't naturally know how to use the word. They tend to say it sounds odd and heavy. Some will say just saying “am sorry” once is okay and believe their partner is proud not to have accepted, whereby the only solution to such; understanding each other with good communication.

On the issue of assumption, we have to understand that assumption is the mothers of all break ups and it's advised that if you have concerns ask questions don't assume.

OLABUSAYO AJAYI: Mz Mohree. Pride is in every girl. The ones with maturity know how to control it. And most times, I think people misinterpret attitude for pride.

MORENIKEJI: My point exactly, most people interpret your way of life as pride that why I said understanding is crucial.

TOBILOBA: Ego kills relationships. You tend to defend yourself always, there are times you just need to keep quiet, but ego is a spirit, it will ensue if not well managed.

MORENIKEJI: Being quiet is good, you can't both be mad at the same time.  The matter could be addressed when the matter had died down.

TOBILOBA: Some people won't just admit they are wrong, whether the guys or the girls... They believe they are too careful to be wrong and if this is the issue, the other party might think you don't understand him or her and peace out.

~JOHN: talking about ego. An egocentric and pride girl would never give clues that she likes a guy. What should a guy do then?

MORENIKEJI: I don’t know how best it is to answer that question, but I feel if you love a person as in original love, no matter how proud or egocentric you are. You will show it. Love conquers pride.

TOBILOBA: Ego leads to selfishness and self consciousness, selfishness- gauging; a situation to how it feels to you, always rearing at your ultimate satisfaction, basically to avoid pain.  

A situation whereby you seek pleasure for yourself and you never want to go wrong, there ego thrives.

Self-consciousness: this is the condition or belief that ego creates in order to stay alive and if paired with another ego, you know there is definitely a problem... So to avoid ego, you have to love the other person as yourself in order to give room for a perceived value. Love is endurance, contentment, sacrifice.

Ego is nothing when there is true love, ego flees from you.... Love make you do things you won't normally do.  Love is crazy.

Have you ever begged your guy you don't mind being the side chick, just because you don't want to lose him? That is what love can do. Love is a mental disease. If you are not matured enough, don't go in to love so you won’t be mentally derailed at young age. Love doesn't share, love keeps to itself alone.

MORENIKEJI: NO! That's outside the box. Love isn't selfish, it's selfless.

TOBILOBA: If you say no, that means you can share your guy with some other girl.

Are you at nice? I doubt it dear.

Ego is nothing where there is true love. Beware of love if you are below 18!

Love is more than the four letter word people say to one another.

My conclusion is love conquers all; I was a victim of that! I know how it feels. 

OLABUSAYO AJAYI: Then they'll never be any relationship and any clash. I think relationship most times is not set on solid foundation. Each party should know what each other want. I can love a woman that has pride as long as she can withstand my attitude.

What about couple the share vows and few years later split? Are they not in love?

BECKY: Some people don’t really love, but have hidden agendas.

MORENIKEJI: Exactly, Beckiestar. They it might not actually be love... Sometimes what we call love isn't love.

If you are talking about "love" that's gist for another day.

VICTORIA:

Left Over Vulnerable Emotions (LOVE)

Be sure you've loved yourself enough.....Stay out of self pity love....

FOLAKE: Love is blind, but friendship tries not to notice.

OKEKE JOHN: Ego, self pride, lack of understanding and rudeness all points to one direction which is folly. Anyone who ventures into a relationship with these qualities is spelling doom for the both parties. The man has pride; he doesn't want the lady to come to edge up with him.

If the lady is from a rich home, she most likely won’t allow her guy send her on errands or she to say sorry to him when she's wrong. These are most things that happen in a relationship both parties have pride, but in a rating of 100%, I'll give the ladies 70% and the guys 30%, no bias.

MODERATOR’S COMMENT

SOUL'E RHYMEZ: WOW! Wonderful discourse we had started tonight.

A lot has been said, a lot has been learnt, but now to learn more, let us all unlearn.

Back to the topic, EGO CLASH IN RELATIONSHIPS; WHO'S FAULT?

Ego is simply self-importance, acting on it means you are egoistic. It clashes in relationships when both parties are seeing themselves as the most important and wants to be treated as such by their partners or wants people to be aware of it.

A couple of days ago I had to deal with the issue among the youths of my church. Everyone is feeling more important and wants to be treated as one, even facts about them appears to them as insults. They can't relate as a group because some people are feeling bigger, more important and see no reason why they should sit and talk with others, who they consider lesser than they are. With that, they couldn't do anything together; they couldn't become a force to be reckoned with in the church. Why? The center cannot hold because of ego clash. Nothing cripples relationships more than ego clash.

Talking about ego clash in intimate relationships; be it dating or marriage. Even business relationships. Ego clash is always a major hiccup. Who's fault?

We need to understand that ego is not the problem; inability to manage it is actually the issue. Let me give you a personal example. I was supposed to be dating a lady, whose character I loved so much, but as we moved on, I found out she was very egoistic. We had the first misunderstanding of which she was at fault, but instead of her to apologize, she blocked me. I had to call her after I realized that and we sorted it out. Later, we had another disagreement and this time just like the first, she was wrong and I had to apologize again. In fact, I told her I was sorry, but she still insisted she was not sorry. That was very bad and I had to tell her that unless she manages her ego, she might never get married. That's true. She considered me egoistic, but I apologized even when she was wrong. No man will take that.

Hers was just ignorance of the fact that apologizing to a guy does not mean she is cheap. This is the same with most Ladies out there. I think they need to know the difference.

Guys too are egoistic, not just the ladies. The tradition does not help matters here at all. Ego makes them feel there are some works they shouldn't help the wife to do, such as washing her underwear, cooking when she is not fit to do so, taking care of the kids and so on. Not apologizing is also a man's thing. They feel it makes them less than they are; an abuse of their manhood. Woe to their wrong mentality inspired by unchecked traditions.

Apologizing means you value your relationship with the other person, it doesn’t mean you are wrong.

Not apologizing means you value your rightness over your relationship and it indirectly mean you don't value the other person. Remember, the wise apologize even when they are right, but the fool defends his wrongs all the time and will never apologize.

This must be a two way thing, but always do it first. Never allow your partner to beat you to it.

Let me make it clear here that if you can't manage your ego (you always feel too important in relationship and always wants to be treated as one at the detriment of your partner) you can never have a stable relationship, except you will have to go with someone without self-worth.

Be not deceived to think marriage is founded on love. I tell you the truth, even in the holiest of all marriages, love still come second. Pride (of ownership) is the foundation of love and from this pride comes ego.  So if you expect to feel more important than your partner always, you are asking for trouble. By doing that, you are hurting the ego and indirectly abuse/disregards the pride of ownership. It is good to know your self-worth, but it is very bad to want to act on it every time. You have to learn to overlook your self-importance to build your relationship and get what you want.

Where there is ego clash, there cannot be a good and peaceful relationship.

Ego prevents you from loving the other person, whether you are dating or not.  Overlooking your self-importance for peace sake does not make you less important. It makes you even wiser.

Let me give a very popular example. Jesus had to overlook his self-importance as the son of God, to die for mankind. That doesn't make him mere man, that doesn't make him less the son of God, regardless of how many that does not believe it, nothing changes. This is a great example. Overlooking your self-importance is not stupidity. However, there is something called "Abuse of Humility" Jesus would have done that if he had bowed to Satan. But despite he could stoop so low to take the appearance of mere man and die for mankind, he will never bow to Satan. This will abuse his pride (essence of existence). You should also know the difference. Only refuse to overlook your ego when it abuses the essence of your relationship.

CONCLUSION

I believe we have learnt a lot today, in that case, I will like to come to a halt here.

Thanks for your attentiveness.

Thanks to all of you and to Mrs. Oluwabunmi for corresponding. God bless us all.

EDITOR:

Soul’e Rhymez

CORRESPONDENT:

Oluwabunmi Ipadeola Ogunote